The following column was originally published in May of 2006.
With gasoline approaching $3.50 a gallon, America has suddenly discovered the idea of “alternative fuels.”
News reports abound regarding the use of ethanol, hydrogen, and even used french fry grease as potential fuels for our vehicles.
However, I think the scientists charged with finding new go-juice have overlooked some important alternatives, and I’m not just talking about the same old joke sources like bean flatulence and the hot air from politicians.
For example, I believe the government needs to commission a study of “Slinky Locomotion.”
Have you ever watched a Slinky “Walk down stairs, alone or in pairs, and make a slinkity sound?”
Ever since I was about three, I’ve marveled at the perpetual motion possibilities of a Slinky and an “up” escalator.
Another idea would be to research the use of Sugar Frosted Flakes as an alternative fuel.
I’m not sure what they put in that stuff, but I’ve seen four-year-olds bounce off walls for extended periods fueled only by Tony the Tiger’s secret recipe.
As a kid, I also witnessed a form of propulsion every Saturday morning that warrants additional investigation.
For years, it was an impractical resource, but with the price of gas reaching the stratosphere, I think it’s time for us to consider “Y-shaped cactus with the large Acme rubber band” technology.
There might be some legal entanglements due to patents currently held by one Wile E. Coyote, but I’m confident something could be worked out.
You might laugh, but I consider the rubber band to be the most under-used energy resource in the country.
I’ve seen rubber bands provide the necessary propulsion to make a propeller-driven balsa-wood airplane fly.
I’m not admitting to anything, but I’ve personally witnessed rubber bands generating enough rock speed to break a decent sized picture window.
And when placed against the tip of your index finger, extended, aimed, and released, rubber bands have been known to exceed the speed of sound.
(I learned this in a Middle School science class, where a girl became the unfortunate victim of a drive-by rubber band incident. They said you could hear her scream four classrooms away. I base my “speed of sound” theory on the fact that it only took a split second for the rubber band to reach its target, but it took five minutes for the hollering to stop.)
Also, a member of my family once owned an old Fiat, and I recall that the piece of equipment under the hood wasn’t much more advanced than a rubber band stretched between two sticks, so someone is already looking at this idea.
I know that scientists have been working with ethanol and methanol, but they need to do more studies on alcohol.
I can envision Bourbon-fueled automobiles in the not so distant future.
I base this on my observations of usually-quiet men and women who suddenly become non-stop oratory machines after three shots of Jim Beam.
I don’t think the Beam-powered cars would be very fast, but the miles-per-gallon possibilities are staggering.
And finally, the “domino” theory of propulsion has always fascinated me.
If we could figure a way to harness the energy of 20,000 dominoes knocking each other down using only the power of the initial falling domino (or an accidentally-bumped table), I believe we could put the Middle East out of business in about a week.
There are other technologies out there that need to be looked at, such as the energy generated by a screaming baby.
(The energy produced by the scream is exciting enough, but the ability of a shrill scream to bring three or four adults immediately to their feet is phenomenal).
We as a nation need to expand our research in order to find the energy source that will carry us through the next century.
The answer is out there.
And I suspect it will be found in a Warner Brothers cartoon.
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