Thursday, September 1, 2011

Eunuch Union

The following column was originally published in May of 2006. 
It seems that everyone wants to be a eunuch in India these days.
I know, it sounds a little far fetched, but according to a story from the AFP news service, legitimate eunuchs in India are being forced to issue their own photo ID cards as proof of their, um, legitimacy.
I can’t imagine that anyone would want to pretend that they have had their, er, “dangling participles” removed as a social statement.
Heck, for that matter, I can’t imagine that anyone would want to ACTUALLY have these parts removed.
However, according to the story, nearly one million men in India have opted for this procedure.
The story doesn’t say why.
And my imagination isn’t good enough to come up with a convincing reason.
I can certainly understand eunuchs who were forced into the club by someone else.
I’m married to a woman who believes Lorena Bobbitt has done more for marital fidelity than Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth combined, so I recognize how a transgression could lead to gender neutrality.
But to choose such a lifestyle is beyond my powers of comprehension.
When the article started talking about how they achieve that particular state in a ritual that begins with tying off the testicles using a strand of horse hair, I had to change the cerebral channel.
The funny thing is that the idea of removing your own private parts wasn’t really the thrust of the story.
The real issue was a group of posers which have been horning in on the eunuchs’ territory.
Apparently, eunuchs are often the target of scorn, ridicule and embarrassment by those with their parts intact.
(Not a surprising fact.  I wouldn’t want to be around someone crazy enough to choose neutering as a fashion statement myself.)
Since they have trouble finding a job (insert vulgar doughtnut factory remarks here), eunuchs often pick up pocket change by crashing weddings and birthday parties.
In India, it is traditional for the party hosts to pay the unwelcome unencumbered guests to leave in order to avoid embarrassment.
Now, a small band of faux-eunuchs have taken to crashing parties and demanding outrageous sums to leave, creating even more headaches for the legitimate geldings.
So they have begun issuing ID cards as proof of their legitimacy.
The article didn’t indicate which government organization is responsible for confirming the lack of male equipment.
(In the United States, I suspect that duty would fall to the IRS, an agency which has perfected the art of emasculation).
While I still don’t understand why any man would choose this procedure, it at least answers some other questions I’ve had about the country but was too afraid to ask for fear of being labeled racist or politically insensitive.
For example, it explains why some men in India wear nightgowns as part of their everyday attire.  (Can you imagine the pain involved in wearing a tight pair of jeans for a newly-minted eunuch?)
And it certainly explains that eardrum-bursting practice of ululating which is deeply entrenched in the culture.
(I can imagine the scream “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi” coming from my own lips at just the thought of having those particular jewels heisted.)
In any event, the eunuchs in India have chosen to issue photo ID cards to those who truly qualify as members of that union.
While the story doesn’t say what the photo is of, we can be pretty sure of what is NOT in the picture.
And just imagining what is NOT in the picture is enough to make me ululate all over again.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call the fabricator about my new stainless steel truss.

No comments:

Post a Comment