Tuesday, August 23, 2011

What Is A Sport?

 (Photo by Grant Cochrane)
This column was originally published in June of 2004.

What is a sport?
According to the American Heritage dictionary, sport is defined as “physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively.”
Another entry in the Websters Revised Unabridged dictionary says “that which diverts, and makes mirth; pastime; amusement.”
Some people believe an activity must involve a ball in order to qualify as a sport.
Others with a more liberal viewpoint would argue that any competitive event can be counted.
Some folks insist that NASCAR is a sport. 
If that’s true, then I become an athlete every Thursday when I make 400 left turns around the Virgin River parking lot looking for a place to hang my station wagon race car, prior to making a few victory laps around Victoria’s Buffet.
Is poker a sport? 
ESPN, the arbiter of all things deemed sport, says it is.
I must admit, it’s one of the few sports which feature athletes surrounded by cigarette butts and half-empty glasses of Jack Daniels, but I understand Babe Ruth managed a few home run records in such surroundings.
Since there is a “World Series of Poker,” I think we would have to mark “yes” by that one.
Does the cloak of athletics extend beyond the poker table to the blackjack table?  How about craps?  Is that a sport?
And if those games of chance qualify, then slot machines must be included as well.
Actually, I’d like to see the slot machine event added to the 2012 Summer Olympics. 
Face it, the American team has a better shot at winning gold in the “White Diamond” three reel event than they do in men’s soccer.
If you are a traditionalist that insists an activity must involve a ball to qualify as a sport, then I guess roulette would have to count.  Since the game also involves a wheel, I think NASCAR fans will back me on this one.
If you buy into the Websters definition of “that which diverts, and makes mirth; pastime; amusement,” then newspaper sports sections are wide open for just about anything, including next summer’s Republican and Democratic conventions.
For those partial to high-scoring competitions, a couple of lines can be added to local sports coverage for the “Battle of the Convenience Store Gas Pump Prices,” where the numbers climb faster than a Lakers-Timberwolves basketball game.
There are purists who support anything which involves whacking something with a stick, like baseball or hockey or cricket.
Does that mean sportswriters should report on every kid’s birthday party which involves a piñata?
And if so, should they use the American scoring system where points are based on the number of candy items that hit the ground, the Argentine scoring system that grades on distance, or the Blue Cross scoring system that counts the number of post-party children visiting the emergency room with missed-pinata-whacking injuries?
Many sports involve uniforms with numbers on the back, so I guess sports writers should be busy the next time a crew from the state prison drops by to pick up roadside litter.
If a sport must involve a “score,” like figure skating, then sports fans should start visiting some of the local bars around two a.m.
Unfortunately, I suspect the place will be full of Canadian Olympic skating judges, meaning lonely guys awarding “tens” to girls that the rest of the world would only consider a three.
I’d like to hear from you.  Do you think poker counts as a sport?  What other sports do you think do or don't qualify for this label?
Send your opinions and suggestions to me at workman@morrisworkman.com.
And of course, I’ll be counting your replies.

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